listening: a random podcast idk

so tomorrow's my bday. i'm not really that excited for it honestly. but i'm past the phase of getting sad about it. i just don't really care! i finished paranormasight today. it was pretty good! i would like to make a proper review/log about it on my website soon. i'm never satisfied with my website so i want to take a little time soon to make it a little cuter and also more usable. sorry for the short log, i'm just so tired today!


listening: nothing

second entry. i would've never bet that i would be writing again so soon! and you shouldn't either lol these past few weeks (that felt way too long) i've felt very depressed in a very agitated way that i'm not that used to anymore. i hate the feeling of needing to do something about it but knowing there's nothing to do, and every attempt just ends up in reaffirming that nothing really matters and you should just go to sleep. and i'm very bad at sleeping! i hate that it brings me back to feeling powerless and it sets me up to feeling like i'm back to square one with my depression.

but i've actually been feeling better since i watched this video. you might think i'm a simpleton if something like a youtube video can help me get out of such a low point, but i don't really care, if it worked for me it might work for you too so i wanted to share it. i'm a stupid bitch who won't feel better going to therapy but will somehow get a new outlook on life after watching a 30 minute video. and that's fine with me. i hope this mood upgrade lasts for a long while!

i kept reading house of leaves and i'm on chapter 6 right now. sometimes i still get distracted and have to re-read some parts a couple times because i've been used to multitasking so much for a long time, but i want to actually take my time with this one and fully absorb it because i think it will be worth it. i hope so at least cause i get very angry when i feel like i wasted time with something after finishing it! specially with a book this long.

i feel really bad about how much i'm slacking with streaming and producing content for the internet in general, specially about my patreon and bird stuff, but it's been harder than ever with all the heat and my mental state. tiktok striking my account for "animal abuse" for that one video of me feeding my pigeons was also a big blow to my motivation to keep making content and it made me wonder if it really even matters.

anyway i hope i am going to be back soon and it will all get better eventually. bye again!


listening: 神聖かまってちゃん - 緑の長靴 2015.10.22 赤坂BLITZ

first entry. i used to be too queasy about starting out a new journal, using my stickers etc. but after suffering with that indecisiveness for a while, i think i have gotten way too impulsive instead. not that it really matters. no one is going to read my notebooks trying to find some elusive wisdom anyway. i better just use them up so i don't forget how to hold a pen.

so today was a really bad day for my mental health for some reason. i took my pills and i tried to be productive, but it just wasn't happening. i've been feeling a lot of pain in my chest and it wouldn't let me think. it's been a while since the last time i've felt this way (like, a few months at least) regardless, it isn't really something i'll ever forget but i really wouldn't miss it if i never feel this way in the future. not that i can count on it.

i think i managed to stay quite composed without any drugs, i made very little (but still some) strides i picked up a pigeon that my friend saw falling from a palm tree and i got a new book i got at a local book shop (house of leaves) and i started writing this page. i guess it all counts. i'm going to try to sleep better today because my pokemons are like all shriveled up from me sleeping like 3 hours a night tops. and i think my brain is, too. i wonder if anyone's gonna read this someday? that would be cool maybe. i'll try to keep it interesting in the future for you, my dear reader. bye!